Week 5 - I think - of lockdown, and there is a sense of wanting to keep a record when properly faced with your own mortality.

Most of this time has been occupied with settling into a new normal. It’s been challenging, emotional and unexpectedly uplifting in equal measure. A lot of gut instinct and learning new skills - for us all. In fact, I have tried and failed to have the time to write this on 3 occasions now. Of course nothing that we have had to face in the dance and fitness community compares even slightly with the bravery of frontline and key workers fighting this disease, trying to save lives and enabling all of the rest of us to continue to be safe at home enjoying the comparative luxury of treading this new path. Clapping on a Thursday is heartfelt.

We will be changed - personally & professionally - I hope and pray that all our clients, friends and family, stay safe. When we come back face to face, it will be different - just how we can’t yet know.

I began writing this when lock down was 19 days in. The days have and continue to blur. The two weeks before lock down, as a business, I could see it would all close down - we would have no venues, our day work in schools would go, no one would be allowed out. So in 10 days we created something new - whilst saying to our amazing team - ‘I’ve got this, trust me it will be ok’. I did not know if this would be the case.

So many new things to come to terms with: For many children it is terrifying to see your teacher on a screen rather than in person and some struggle, yet equally some embrace it. We struggle too; imagine 6 hours a day of looking at yourself - sometimes in full HD definition - seeing all your imperfections - do I really do that when I smile? how often I touch my face… it is endless and all with trying to master the new skills of home hair dye, nail painting, trying not to look as tired as you feel, time to shower properly, to even remember to - thank god for dry shampoo…

No time still, as yet, for any ‘lockdown goals’ or new hobbies to embrace. And frankly is that even necessary? I know of enough infected people and deaths to believe that simply getting to the end of each week still well, and with family intact is fully adequate without trying to learn a new language or instrument - but for many it will be stress busting. And yet despite the rush to create this new version of us with all its accompanying stress - the flip side, of calmness, quiet streets & skies and the now exceptionally clean air where we live is a tonic. Ironic that Covid-19 is a disease of the lungs when by staying in we have surrounded ourselves with fresh air.

My youngest daughter has become team tech and a patient teacher to me (truly I barely knew how the TV worked beyond switching it on before this) and in her real job she is a skilled mentor and adviser. So at the end of the first week of delivering lessons and tech overload - when I was ready to burst - the responsibility, the sleepless nights, the ongoing, as yet, unanswered question of how long will this be for? She sent me a list of what I had actually done in those 7 days to remind me why I felt this way and that is was ok to feel like this. I think sharing this is the reason I have come back to this blog several times - it is not intended to be self indulgent or ‘wow look what I did’, and I worry it might appear so. In truth this came out of a very tearful hour, a lack of self confidence and a conversation where I honestly didn’t think I could do what we were attempting to and I really did not believe we could continue to work. So in essence if you feel that way about anything happening for you - then take some time to write your own list - if you think it might help you realise that all we can do is try to do our best.

Here is my list as written by my daughter for me:

What I have accomplished this week?

1. I have learnt to use the TV

2. I have learnt to use zoom

3. I am getting quicker at sending emails with class details

4. I learnt to make a timetable very quickly

5. I developed a whole new scheme of work

6. I tried to keep everyone’s morale up whilst my own was dwindling

7. I have spent 2-4 hours a day on the computer

8. I have had to get over my fear of being on the camera

9. I have kept the house clean and cooked

10. I have been able to keep other people connected together through my classes

11. I have provided exercises to an average 20 people each class

12. I have delivered/facilitated 10 classes this week online

13. I have provided opportunities for my teachers to work

14. I have learnt new skills every day

15. I have adapted to new ways of working and living

16. I have received positive feedback from my clients

17. I have brought a ray of sunshine into people’s lives

18. I have helped bring normality into people’s lives

19. I have been doing some gardening

20. I have provided teaching advice to teachers to continue their development

21. I have diversified the business in order to adapt and survive

22. I have embraced a “test and learn” culture to improve everyday

In times of difficulty, I have adapted how I work and essentially created a whole new business. To do this, I have been resilient, I have had to fight and I have had to be agile.

Repeat these affirmations for a minute each morning, or whenever you feel like you are not doing well enough:

I believe in myself. I believe in my business. I love myself. I am enough

On point 16: the support we have received from our participants has been extraordinary and humbling and special. It ranges from acknowledging how much time we are committing, to thanking us for bringing normality and routine into their lives and to individual emails sent to us with real love and kindness. And we have appreciated each communication.

But sorry dear daughter, I am not yet managing the affirmation - I have another solution - I have a gorgeous new greenhouse - committed to months before losing all my income on that fretful Friday of Lockdown!! I just go and potter and plant - that seems works for me for now xx